BPD, FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Borderline Personality Disorder, Due to Early Childhood Trauma or Separation

I show 3 BPD videos below and a transcript follows the third one. Cures for BPD are said to be DBT or Dialectical Behavior therapy, CBT or Cognitive Behavioral therapy, or Schema therapy or any other trauma treatments. Nutrition is also important, of course. A little about Medical Gaslighting is included at the end.

Perplexity.AI said: Here are some possible explanations for why a person who loves you might make false claims about you and seem to believe them:

Potential Mental Health Factors: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Individuals with BPD often struggle with emotional regulation and may misinterpret situations, leading to false accusations based on perceived slights or imagined scenarios. Their intense fear of abandonment can cause them to "test" relationships through dramatic claims.

https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/borderline-personality-disorder-false-accusations

Cognitive Biases and False Memories: Some individuals may develop false memories due to cognitive biases, leading them to genuinely believe in accusations that aren't based in reality.

Youtube has some helpful videos.

Supporting Loved One with BPD Quickstart Guide

How Trauma and PTSD Change the Brain

6 Must Know Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline personality disorder, or BPD, is talked about constantly online. ... But some are hurtful, stigmatizing and untrue. So today I wanted to set the record straight with six facts about BPD.

First fact is Borderline Personality Disorder can present in four distinct ways. There was a book written in 1995 by Theodore Millen called Disorders of Personality DSM 4 and Beyond and in it he identifies 4 distinct types.

One type he mentions is discouraged or quiet BPD and this comes along with an intense fear of abandonment and this can be real or imagined. We can also find ourselves being clingy and people-pleasing going along with whatever is happening. Could also show complete lack of boundaries. If we struggle with quiet BPD, we can also have a low self-worth or a poor self-image overall. This is the type of BPD where we turn our upset or discouragement inwards. We can also self-injure or struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Another type he identifies is impulsive BPD. This type comes along with symptoms that cause us to act in thoughtless ways, like we can spend a lot of money in a short time. We could also find ourselves binge-eating, self-injury, or engaging in other risky behaviors, like having unprotected sex, or going on a trip with someone that we barely know, doing drugs or even driving under the influence. We can also find ourselves being more outgoing, charismatic, and like having people around, find ourselves being a little flirtatious, even enjoying attention. If we have this type, we can be more high-energy, find ourselves getting bored easily. We can also be more aggressive, start fights.... We can yell and break things.

Another type is self-destructive BPD. Now this is when we do things to sabotage ourselves and our relationships, and we may or may not be aware that we're doing this. This can come out of our suicidal behavior, feelings of emptiness, and self-loathing thoughts and beliefs. Just like the impulsive type, we may also engage in risky behaviors, although these tend to be more focused on demeaning, or hurtful things, like doing illicit drugs, having unprotected sex, picking a fight with our boss and things like that. We can self-injure as a way of just feeling something, because we feel so numbed out from our life. We can also find ourselves being easily enraged and bitter about life.

And finally, the last type he addressed is petulant BPD. Now this is the type that represents all of the mood based BPD symptoms. People with this type can be angry one minute, sad the next. These mood swings only last a few hours, but on a rare occasion, they can last for days. We're unpredictable and irritable. We can be passive-aggressive. We can even show inappropriate and intense anger, lash out at those around us. This type, as we swing from loving someone to hating them, thinking they're all good or all bad, we can find ourselves complaining a lot. People can call us extremely stubborn, and we can feel torn between wanting people around and wanting to be left alone. Like we need the support because of our fear of abandonment, but we're also afraid that they're gonna leave us and let us down.

If you have ever felt like the way that BPD has been described by your therapist or someone online never really quite fit your experience? Then it's possible that you'd only heard of one type of BPD, instead of all four.

{{DBT or Dialectical Behavior therapy is a great option, as well as CBT or Cognitive Behavioral therapy. Schema therapy and any trauma treatments can work as well.}}

Moving right back in with fact #2, that the self-injury portion of BPD isn't necessarily a suicide attempt or cry for help. Often it's a way for us to express all the pain and upset we're feeling. For many of my patients and members of our community, they share that self-injury is a way of letting it all out, creating a physical wound to show just how much emotional pain we're in. Others have shared that it's a great distraction from the emotional pain, and some of you've even told me that it's a way for you to take care of yourself, possibly the way you wish your parents would have, for example. Many of my patients have shared their rituals around self-injury and how they clean up the wound and bandage it. This is often a result of childhood abuse, most commonly neglect, and it's our way of showing ourselves the kind of love we wish we'd gotten. Whatever the reason behind it, it clearly serves a purpose for us and is a way that we try and cope. I find this to be one of the symptoms that people have the hardest time understanding, which is why it can be so stigmatized. Many of you have shared how you feel ashamed of it, have had family members laugh about it, or even your therapist call the police, or try to put you in the hospital, thinking it was a suicide attempt. Then I understand why people {worry about} our safety, but we need to be having more conversations about this, why we do it and what purpose it serves, and possibly having a safety agreement in place with our loved ones and mental health professionals. I also think it's important to mention that not all people with BPD self-injure, which is why nonsuicidal self-injury was added to the DSM Five in 2013. They can happen with or without this diagnosis.

Fact #3 that people with BPD are not master manipulators. Almost every single one of my patients with BPD has told me that one time or another someone called them manipulative and they don't really know what to do with that, except believe that it's true this can increase our shame and our difficulties in relationships the truth is when we have BPD we are constantly thinking about other people and how they're feeling about us and this comes from our fear of abandonment and we think that if we try and read every situation closely we can stop someone from leaving us. This can mean that we text or call along, check someone's social media constantly, place a lot of value on how people talk to us, what they say and how they're acting vigilance and our intense concern of being left. We can find ourselves acting in ways we know will elicit a response from someone in the hopes that they will assuage our fears. Which, if we're all honest, we've all done that to some degree in our life but to think that someone with BPD is a master manipulator sounds way more malicious than it actually is. Most people I know who have BPD are just so worried about people leaving, and because we feel everything so intensely, we fight like hell to make that feeling go away this can mean we lie to get someone to come over, react emotionally when we don't think someone really cares about us, and can be hard to calm down once we're dysregulated. Not one of those things means that we are master manipulators we're simply trying to feel a bit better and more secure in our relationships, and frankly, we don't know how else to do it, which is why therapy, usually dialectical behavior therapy, can be so incredibly helpful. It gives us tools to cope that don't hurt our relationships.

Fact #4 is that borderline personality disorder can be managed. I was having lunch with a colleague of mine years ago and he laughed at me when I said that I thought BPD was completely treatable. Now for a bit more context, he was nearing retirement. He was a psychiatrist, not a therapist, and didn't actively treat. So maybe BPD wasn't as understood back when he was in school, or in training as it is now. Regardless I've never been so disappointed in a fellow colleague, especially one who was still seeing patients. It's because of stigmas and misunderstandings like this, that we have to add this fact in. BPD can be managed through therapy and by using tools that help us better navigate our symptoms. We get on with our lives. And that's what we can do when we have BPD. It will take work, but we can get to a place where we're able to identify our most worrisome symptoms and, instead of acting on them right away, we can give ourselves a beat to decide what we want to do with that thought or emotion and act in a way that's better for us. DBT or Dialectical Behavior therapy is a great option, as well as CBT or Cognitive Behavioral therapy. Schema therapy and any trauma treatments can work as well. Find what works for you. I know that you can get to a place where your BPD symptoms don't run your life anymore.

Fact #5 is Borderline Personality Disorder is often born out of trauma. That's why so many of the symptoms and experiences of BPD can mirror that of PTSD, especially complex PTSD, although just to be clear, the fear of real or imagined abandonment is only seen in those with BPD. Now when we talk about trauma, we think of fight, flight, freeze, fawn and we need to consider this when it comes to BPD as well. I honestly believe that each one of my patients with BPD, when they're acting out of their symptoms, are doing so while in their stress response, meaning that they're either fighting like being impulsive, or they're trying to run away (flight) sabotaging our relationships, numbing out through self-injury, or we're freezing, we're dissociating, or funny, or people-pleasing, when we try and read everyone's emotions without them telling anyone anything. I believe this is because when we have BPD, we're in a constant state of stress and hyper-vigilance, which is also true for most of my PTSD patients. This is why I've always called those with BPD emotional burn victims. Now I didn't come up with that phrase, but it definitely fits. We feel everything happening to us so intensely, the regular everyday interactions can push us into our stress response, causing us to react and remember, when we're in our stress response. That means that our prefrontal cortex is offline and we're reacting out of our amygdala and limbic system, which really just means that we can't think things through completely. We're acting on impulse and that impulse will always be to save us from any perceived physical or emotional threat. Knowing the fact that BPD is often born out of trauma can help. Those of us who love someone with BPDI think it allows us to see the cause, feel more compassion for them, and understand that the way they might be acting actually doesn't have anything to do with us. It's because of what they've been through already, usually stemming from their childhood. And I know it's difficult, but it's almost like the reactions they're having are because somewhere deep inside of themselves, they don't think that they're lovable or worthy, and that you're eventually just going to leave, so in their mind, it's kind of like, well, fuck it then. And you pair that with emotional sensitivity that those of us with BPD have, and you can see why we could be reactive, on edge and sensitive to your every word.

Fact #6 is many of the symptoms we see and those with BPD come from real or imagined fear of abandonment. Here's an example of how a person with BPD thinks, and I really love this example, because it shows the emotional rollercoaster that those of BPD go through in any and all of their relationships. It's morning. I open my eyes, turn off my alarm. The first thing I notice is whether you texted me, or not. You did, great. You earned a good morning and a response from me. It makes me so happy to have you in my life. I love you and want you to know that. Or you didn't. Oops, I guess I'm ignoring you until you text me, since apparently you don't give a darn about me. Maybe I'm having to text you good morning at least, but with no emojis, so you know how annoyed I am. I check my phone whenever I can and every minute you don't text me I get angrier, then I get impatient, then I get scared. Did something happen to you? Did I do something wrong? Are you angry with me? I go over every possible way I could have upset you. I get angry with myself. I debate if I should text you again or if I should wait. What if I appear clingy? What if I scare you away? But what if you're waiting to hear from me? I go from being angry with you to feeling jealous because whatever you're doing is more important than me. Then I get sad over that. Then I hate you, then I hate myself. Then I plan to cut you out of my life. Oh, you responded? Who cares? I'll ignore you like you ignored me. You're fine. You could have texted me all this time and not made me worry. 5 minutes later I respond like nothing ever happened and let you know nothing about my thought process at all, because i'm ashamed. I know it's not healthy, I know it's wrong, but it's how I feel when we are always worried that someone's going to leave us. That makes us hyper-vigilant to their every move and we can act in ways to either try and get them to stay, or we can push them away pre-emptively so that we feel more in control of the leaving. I think this can also account for much of our impulsivity and self-destructive behavior, because we can worry so much that someone is gonna leave, that we lash out at them, then we constantly ask them if they still like us and unfortunately, because of all that, we caused them to do the one thing that we were trying to avoid, and they leave. Looking at the behaviors of someone with BPD, you can see how much of it relates back to this fear of abandonment. And the important piece to remember is that it's real or imagined abandonment. It doesn't matter if it's really going to happen or not, it's all about our perception of it and, since BPD presents itself in four distinct ways, this can even cause us to isolate, never engage in any romantic relationships, and keep friends at arm's length. It's our way of protecting ourselves from potential abandonment. Keeping this in mind can really help us all better understand BPD and what's driving the behavior. I know there are a lot of misconceptions and stigmas out there about Borderline Personality Disorder and I hope this helps clear some of that up for you.

MEDICAL GASLIGHTING

{{I know someone with symptoms of BPD, but some in the medical system claim she has Factitious Disorder, in which she supposedly fakes her symptoms or her child's symptoms. The fact is that the medical system gaslights many people, apparently millions of them, every year. See Munchausen Syndrome & the whole “Gen Z Fakes Disorders” Situation:

And also search at https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=medical+gaslighting.}}